Tough to say Goodbye to Your Dad - Long After He Is Gone

 It was a typical Sunday. I was working around the house and choosing projects that are long overdue to be completed. Always that one project I gave a pass. However, this Sunday, I summoned up the courage to tackle a tough project. I decided to unassemble a K-Nex Ferris Wheel. You might think, "What's so hard about that?" Well, this Ferris wheel traveled with me for a long time. It was long overdue. My dad assembled this 16 years ago for my son Thomas. 

Tearing apart a special memory is not easy. My father passed away 10 years ago. I often tried to get the courage to complete the task of taking it apart many times, but I just couldn't. For me, the memory of my son spending time with my dad was too important. I felt like taking it apart would be the end of a memory that I cherish about my father.  I remember that day they put it together like it was yesterday. My father had to have the patience of Job to put together something like that. This was definitely a project for Poppy and his grandson. Pieces all over the floor, my dad saying, "Hold on Thomas" a thousand times, and then finally completing the project. It was special.

This was an actual working Ferris Wheel complete with bench seats and people riding the wheel. It was a sight to see. Watching my son's astonishment taught me a valuable lesson that day. Little things matter. Your kids want your time at an early age. Material items come and go in their lives. However, those moments last a lifetime. 

I am fortunate. All my kids learned the value of time with adults. Sometimes, I think our society does not value time spent with children. Today, some choose to give them some tech, and they will be happy for now. Trust me, this is never the solution. If you want kids to be functioning adults, the problem-solving they learn by building a Ferris wheel is worth more than its weight in gold. 

I have always raised my kids by teaching them through experiences. That's what Dads are supposed to do. When they say they can't, we say they can. That's the power of hands-on learning. Even though my oldest kids are adults, we still assemble, build, and work on projects together. This weekend is an example, my daughter brought over a new juicer for us to use for the first time and my sons are working on a robot for a future competition. Learning never stops in our house. 

Now about my dad. Today was goodbye for now for the Ferris Wheel. I had to come to terms with that. I hope someday I can rebuild that Ferris Wheel with my grandson while my own son watches and realizes that spending time with you Pops, is important for any child. 

You may wonder what helped me finally take it apart. I asked my son, who I named after my father if it was okay to take it down. He said, "Yes dad." I think he knew I needed his blessing to do it. He knew there was something symbolic for me regarding their relationship. My son Thomas is a lot like my dad. A hands-on learner for sure. He followed in his footsteps and served his country. He is not afraid of taking on challenges today just like 16 years ago. I'd like to think the Ferris Wheel from 16 years ago was the start of something special. 

One final thought that is most important for me.  Thanks, Pops. For paving the way for me to be a better dad.

Much love and admiration.

Len

Dads During The Pandemic - Forgotten Heroes

 As the 1.9 Trillion Dollar stimulus bill is signed into law, I want to remind everyone that one group was never discussed this past year. Fathers. That's right fathers. Here are some talking points that support my suggestion that dads were forgotten heroes during this once in a lifetime pandemic. 

Overall, stimulus relief was targeted to help all Americans. Right? Well, not necessarily. The relief is targeted through advocacy efforts. One group that does not have a lot of advocacy at the Federal Level is fathers. Consider the following as evidence: 

• Stimulus Funding: The childhood portion of the stimulus package does not include many fathers raising children on their own or in 50/50 custody agreements. Fathers that are divorced often have childhood tax credits given to the mother. That's part of the "deal." they have to make to keep their children in their lives. Even though they might have 50/50 custody, the stimulus monies are not provided to men that lose their jobs that have children. Stimulus relief is accounted for by a tax return, not responsibility. 
• Debt forgiveness: Each bill forgives/postpones debt. Suspension of Child Support Payments is not a part of that relief. According to the law: 

The court is not offering any automatic exemption on child support requirements because children still need to be cared for. The reasoning is that the parent of primary residence still must feed, clothe and care for their children, even if they have lost their jobs due to COVID-19. Therefore, the parent of alternate residence is still obligated to fulfill their financial responsibilities. If you fail to pay child support when owed, you may face several consequences, including:

• Garnishment of your wages and unemployment
• Confiscation of tax refunds
• Being found in contempt of court
• Having a warrant issued for your arrest
• Getting your passport and various licenses revoked
• Getting a lien placed on your car, home, or other property
• Being excluded from government benefits

Think about that. People can stop paying their bills, they can stop paying their rent, but Fathers are not given a break during a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic to be able to economically regain their ability to support their children. This can lead to liens, loss of personal property, and in some cases legal consequences. 

Lastly, think about the most recent bill. Prior bills did not allow for the collection of debt. Fathers in debt will have their stimulus monies retracted. They will also miss out on the increased Childhood Credit and future childhood stimulus monies that are proposed in the bill. 

Men are unfairly excluded which leads to inequity in relief efforts at the Federal Level. 

By no means is this article suggesting that men should be free from their financial responsibility for parenting. What it does point out is Fathers in this country do not have enough advocacy at the Federal Level. We live in a time when men are increasingly responsible for raising children against all odds. Similar to mothers, we need to keep them in mind for future legislation. Times have changed, and legislation needs to keep up with the changes in our society. This is an article to support fathers that are stepping up and being responsible parents during a time of national crisis. They need our help and advocacy. 

An Opportunity for Advocacy in New York State

The New York Father's Rights Movement is one of the strongest chapters in the nation for Fatherhood Rights. New York State(like many states) has a compliacted family court system that can be frustrating to fathers. The influence of money and attorneys often leads to co-parenting being challenged and ultimately becomes more about the parents than the children.

Legislation is the key to correcting the courts. Please, and I say please share this event with all of your friends. This is hugely important. Lobbying is key to legislative change, especially in New York. The greater the turnout, the more the legislators pay attention.

How can you support this event. Go to the facebook page and lend your financial support:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/340476709877254/1048114472064185/

Most importantly, attendance is important. Share on the Fatherhood Rights Facebook page your ideas and suggestions. Offer ride shares in your area. Reach out to local legislators. BE AN ADVOCATE. This is not something that can be solved on social media. You have to get in the game, and commit to going to Albany. Be a part of the change. Get to Albany NY and be an advocate for all fathers and their children.

The Conners - Miracles - Fatherhood

Did you happen to catch the episode 5 of the Conners this year? The title of the episode was "Miracles."

The plot is Becky is unexpectedly pregnant after being told it is highly improbable she will ever have a child. Close to Christmas, and in need of ratings this is a clever plot for sure. However, what went on during this episode that went unnoticed is the storyline of the father. Whether intended or not, this show summarized the war on Fatherhood over the past 50 years. Mission accomplished, Dads do not matter. A chilling account how a Mom determines the participation of fathers in raising a child. No issues of abuse or neglect. In fact, the mom is neglectful. She hardly can stay sober during the pregnancy, but she decides who raises the child. Sound familiar?

In the episdoe, Becky had mulitple partners and does not know who the father is at first. In her mind, if it is the manager, okay he can be the dad.He has money.  If it is the busboy, forget about it because he can not financially support Becky and her child. That's the barometer I have been writing about for 10 years that dictates a father's worth. The Conners validated it bluntly and honestly.

The episode continues with devaluing fatherhood. The producers of the show strengthened the narrative by suggesting 2 other scenarios for the baby because Becky is unsure of herself as a fit mother. Both scenarios involve surragate parents that are, yep you guessed it women. Bad enough the biological dad is disenfranchised, the show goes on further to make sure fatherhood figures are disqualified from parenting. Not once was a father figure ever considered as a option for parenting the child.

One could argue that Roseanne offered a positive role as Dan has always been a part of the show. This is just a creative spinoff and I am over reacting. The point is the show captures today's attitudes towards Dads. Roseanne first aired in 1988. This show reflects the values of fathers in 2018.
Hopefully the Conners will dig deeper into fatherhood struggles. I am looking forward to an episode, any episode that discusses the morality of putting the wrong fathers name on a birth certificate, or the CPS calls against dad so he can lose his rights to be a parent. I am not sure those storylines are in development. Doubt a storyline like these would ever see the light of day. On a postiive note hoping down the road we will witness positive stories that encourage fatherhood.

Author's notes: Since this episode, the storyline moved on. No father involved in the raising of the baby. Life imitates art sometimes. 

(The show deserves credit for one postiive fatherhood storyline - DJ - Dan's son is a responsible father. The show should develop this storyline as a better representation of the value of fathers in a child's life.)

Father's Day.....

Father's Day was officially recognized 52 years ago by LBJ (1966). It took 55 years for Father's Day to be recognized after it's counterpart, Mother's Day. Mother's Day was celebrated and recognized by all the states in 1911.

Father's Day evolved from events in which men payed the ultimate price for their families. The first celebration was said to be started from a memorial service held for a large group of men who died in a mining accident in West Virginia in 1907.

In 1909, Sonora Smart Dodd heard a church sermon about Mother’s Day, which had recently become a recognized holiday, and she wondered why there was no Father’s Day. Dodd began a campaign to celebrate Father's Day in the United States. She was inspired by her dad, who raised 6 kids after the civil war as a single father. 

The first local Father's Day was celebrated on June 19, 1910, in Spokane, Washington at a local YMCA. Sonora Smart Dodd became known as the Mother of Father's Day. 

Today, many children are being raised without a father or fatherhood figure. It is ironic that in 1966, when the bill was passed, children grew up in homes that had a father. Today, 33 million children are being raised without a fatherhood figure. Over the past 50 years, there has been a steep decline in fatherhood. Hopefully over the next 50 years, we can return to a day when children have fathers play a positive role in their lives again. 

"Actually....That's Me" - Paternity Fraud

Lecturing on Fatherhood is an emotional process for the audience. The facts of a fatherless nation often get challenged by members in the audience that want to believe they are false. The statistics are staggering. It is easier to say a dad is a bum than to acknowledge the system is stacked against fathers from the start. Some truths are very difficult for people to acknowledge and this is why we need to get the facts out about the fatherhood problem in our country.

Each presentation has the answers in the audience. When challenged, someone usually raises their hand and says, "that's me!" It can bring a room to silence depending on the subject. Recently, a topic that struck a nerve with the audience was Paternity Fraud. This happens when a mom knowingly puts another father on the birth certificate instead of the biological father. It can have severe consequences for children as they become adults.

Studies have shown that Paternity Fraud can range anywhere between 1 -30 percent. You might be surprised that the United States has a serious problem with Paternity Fraud. The Huffington Post recently reported that 30% of dads that pay child support are not the actual father. Birthing is entirely documented through the mother in the United States. Determining paternity is strictly through the courts. Fraud on a birth certificate is difficult to prove and the consequences often are assigned to the children that learn as adults they were lied to by their mother.

I was challenged at my last lecture by a mom that my research was hogwash. No matter what I provided for facts, she thought I was full of SH#$. And then a hand raised in the front row. A young lady said, 'Actually he is right, that person is me." She went on to tell a chilling story about growing up knowing "something" was wrong. She knew her dad was not her dad. She would learn utilizing social media that her assumptions were correct. At the age of 23, she met her biological father.

Paternity Fraud is a form of child abuse. Developmentally, a child is damaged by the deceit and it has long-term consequences. Our country has not responded to the seriousness of the crime. It will take advocacy and legislation to change the current status of paternity fraud. Until then, children will always be vulnerable.

Is It Time To Rethink "A Mother's Love?"

This might be one of those articles that can be divisive. Take a deep breathe if you are a mom, and think about this from an entirely different viewpoint if you struggle with the title or concept.

I scanned Facebook this weekend and read the Mother's Day posts from single parent families without a father figure or some women that are very controlling with their children. They posted the most interesting quotes that begin to fit into a pattern. That pastern is, "their love is the only love that is unconditional." The quotes tend to imply, "my love is better than anyone else's including dad."

Taking that deep breathe yet? It might seem like a concept that is way over the top, however we live in a world whereas words matter. For example, we as a society struggle with the phrase, "Marriage Equality" v. "Marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman." Another example is, "Black Lives Matter" v. "All Lives Matter." How we say things is equally important as how it is being heard.

How does a child hear the pronoun "my" which is in many quotes about unconditional love. "My unconditional love is like no other." If I was a child, would I hear it as mom loves me more than dad? Another common quote has to do with birth as in, hey I gave birth to you therefore I love you unconditionally. How do children without a mom it their life feel when they hear such a statement or read it on Facebook? Is the purpose of such a statement to imply, "Hey I gave birth to you, that outweighs any contribution by dad."

For children, they see both parents as equal partners in parenting. They truly do not think one replaces the other especially when it comes to being loved. A mother's love is important, special and truly an amazing gift for any child. The point is that it should not be weighted as something no one else can replace or provide for a child. Hopefully one day, we can move towards a parent's love. Neutral yet conveying the same point. Love is universal, especially in the eyes of a child.