Tough to say Goodbye to Your Dad - Long After He Is Gone

 It was a typical Sunday. I was working around the house and choosing projects that are long overdue to be completed. Always that one project I gave a pass. However, this Sunday, I summoned up the courage to tackle a tough project. I decided to unassemble a K-Nex Ferris Wheel. You might think, "What's so hard about that?" Well, this Ferris wheel traveled with me for a long time. It was long overdue. My dad assembled this 16 years ago for my son Thomas. 

Tearing apart a special memory is not easy. My father passed away 10 years ago. I often tried to get the courage to complete the task of taking it apart many times, but I just couldn't. For me, the memory of my son spending time with my dad was too important. I felt like taking it apart would be the end of a memory that I cherish about my father.  I remember that day they put it together like it was yesterday. My father had to have the patience of Job to put together something like that. This was definitely a project for Poppy and his grandson. Pieces all over the floor, my dad saying, "Hold on Thomas" a thousand times, and then finally completing the project. It was special.

This was an actual working Ferris Wheel complete with bench seats and people riding the wheel. It was a sight to see. Watching my son's astonishment taught me a valuable lesson that day. Little things matter. Your kids want your time at an early age. Material items come and go in their lives. However, those moments last a lifetime. 

I am fortunate. All my kids learned the value of time with adults. Sometimes, I think our society does not value time spent with children. Today, some choose to give them some tech, and they will be happy for now. Trust me, this is never the solution. If you want kids to be functioning adults, the problem-solving they learn by building a Ferris wheel is worth more than its weight in gold. 

I have always raised my kids by teaching them through experiences. That's what Dads are supposed to do. When they say they can't, we say they can. That's the power of hands-on learning. Even though my oldest kids are adults, we still assemble, build, and work on projects together. This weekend is an example, my daughter brought over a new juicer for us to use for the first time and my sons are working on a robot for a future competition. Learning never stops in our house. 

Now about my dad. Today was goodbye for now for the Ferris Wheel. I had to come to terms with that. I hope someday I can rebuild that Ferris Wheel with my grandson while my own son watches and realizes that spending time with you Pops, is important for any child. 

You may wonder what helped me finally take it apart. I asked my son, who I named after my father if it was okay to take it down. He said, "Yes dad." I think he knew I needed his blessing to do it. He knew there was something symbolic for me regarding their relationship. My son Thomas is a lot like my dad. A hands-on learner for sure. He followed in his footsteps and served his country. He is not afraid of taking on challenges today just like 16 years ago. I'd like to think the Ferris Wheel from 16 years ago was the start of something special. 

One final thought that is most important for me.  Thanks, Pops. For paving the way for me to be a better dad.

Much love and admiration.

Len

Dads During The Pandemic - Forgotten Heroes

 As the 1.9 Trillion Dollar stimulus bill is signed into law, I want to remind everyone that one group was never discussed this past year. Fathers. That's right fathers. Here are some talking points that support my suggestion that dads were forgotten heroes during this once in a lifetime pandemic. 

Overall, stimulus relief was targeted to help all Americans. Right? Well, not necessarily. The relief is targeted through advocacy efforts. One group that does not have a lot of advocacy at the Federal Level is fathers. Consider the following as evidence: 

• Stimulus Funding: The childhood portion of the stimulus package does not include many fathers raising children on their own or in 50/50 custody agreements. Fathers that are divorced often have childhood tax credits given to the mother. That's part of the "deal." they have to make to keep their children in their lives. Even though they might have 50/50 custody, the stimulus monies are not provided to men that lose their jobs that have children. Stimulus relief is accounted for by a tax return, not responsibility. 
• Debt forgiveness: Each bill forgives/postpones debt. Suspension of Child Support Payments is not a part of that relief. According to the law: 

The court is not offering any automatic exemption on child support requirements because children still need to be cared for. The reasoning is that the parent of primary residence still must feed, clothe and care for their children, even if they have lost their jobs due to COVID-19. Therefore, the parent of alternate residence is still obligated to fulfill their financial responsibilities. If you fail to pay child support when owed, you may face several consequences, including:

• Garnishment of your wages and unemployment
• Confiscation of tax refunds
• Being found in contempt of court
• Having a warrant issued for your arrest
• Getting your passport and various licenses revoked
• Getting a lien placed on your car, home, or other property
• Being excluded from government benefits

Think about that. People can stop paying their bills, they can stop paying their rent, but Fathers are not given a break during a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic to be able to economically regain their ability to support their children. This can lead to liens, loss of personal property, and in some cases legal consequences. 

Lastly, think about the most recent bill. Prior bills did not allow for the collection of debt. Fathers in debt will have their stimulus monies retracted. They will also miss out on the increased Childhood Credit and future childhood stimulus monies that are proposed in the bill. 

Men are unfairly excluded which leads to inequity in relief efforts at the Federal Level. 

By no means is this article suggesting that men should be free from their financial responsibility for parenting. What it does point out is Fathers in this country do not have enough advocacy at the Federal Level. We live in a time when men are increasingly responsible for raising children against all odds. Similar to mothers, we need to keep them in mind for future legislation. Times have changed, and legislation needs to keep up with the changes in our society. This is an article to support fathers that are stepping up and being responsible parents during a time of national crisis. They need our help and advocacy. 

An Opportunity for Advocacy in New York State

The New York Father's Rights Movement is one of the strongest chapters in the nation for Fatherhood Rights. New York State(like many states) has a compliacted family court system that can be frustrating to fathers. The influence of money and attorneys often leads to co-parenting being challenged and ultimately becomes more about the parents than the children.

Legislation is the key to correcting the courts. Please, and I say please share this event with all of your friends. This is hugely important. Lobbying is key to legislative change, especially in New York. The greater the turnout, the more the legislators pay attention.

How can you support this event. Go to the facebook page and lend your financial support:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/340476709877254/1048114472064185/

Most importantly, attendance is important. Share on the Fatherhood Rights Facebook page your ideas and suggestions. Offer ride shares in your area. Reach out to local legislators. BE AN ADVOCATE. This is not something that can be solved on social media. You have to get in the game, and commit to going to Albany. Be a part of the change. Get to Albany NY and be an advocate for all fathers and their children.

The Conners - Miracles - Fatherhood

Did you happen to catch the episode 5 of the Conners this year? The title of the episode was "Miracles."

The plot is Becky is unexpectedly pregnant after being told it is highly improbable she will ever have a child. Close to Christmas, and in need of ratings this is a clever plot for sure. However, what went on during this episode that went unnoticed is the storyline of the father. Whether intended or not, this show summarized the war on Fatherhood over the past 50 years. Mission accomplished, Dads do not matter. A chilling account how a Mom determines the participation of fathers in raising a child. No issues of abuse or neglect. In fact, the mom is neglectful. She hardly can stay sober during the pregnancy, but she decides who raises the child. Sound familiar?

In the episdoe, Becky had mulitple partners and does not know who the father is at first. In her mind, if it is the manager, okay he can be the dad.He has money.  If it is the busboy, forget about it because he can not financially support Becky and her child. That's the barometer I have been writing about for 10 years that dictates a father's worth. The Conners validated it bluntly and honestly.

The episode continues with devaluing fatherhood. The producers of the show strengthened the narrative by suggesting 2 other scenarios for the baby because Becky is unsure of herself as a fit mother. Both scenarios involve surragate parents that are, yep you guessed it women. Bad enough the biological dad is disenfranchised, the show goes on further to make sure fatherhood figures are disqualified from parenting. Not once was a father figure ever considered as a option for parenting the child.

One could argue that Roseanne offered a positive role as Dan has always been a part of the show. This is just a creative spinoff and I am over reacting. The point is the show captures today's attitudes towards Dads. Roseanne first aired in 1988. This show reflects the values of fathers in 2018.
Hopefully the Conners will dig deeper into fatherhood struggles. I am looking forward to an episode, any episode that discusses the morality of putting the wrong fathers name on a birth certificate, or the CPS calls against dad so he can lose his rights to be a parent. I am not sure those storylines are in development. Doubt a storyline like these would ever see the light of day. On a postiive note hoping down the road we will witness positive stories that encourage fatherhood.

Author's notes: Since this episode, the storyline moved on. No father involved in the raising of the baby. Life imitates art sometimes. 

(The show deserves credit for one postiive fatherhood storyline - DJ - Dan's son is a responsible father. The show should develop this storyline as a better representation of the value of fathers in a child's life.)

Father's Day.....

Father's Day was officially recognized 52 years ago by LBJ (1966). It took 55 years for Father's Day to be recognized after it's counterpart, Mother's Day. Mother's Day was celebrated and recognized by all the states in 1911.

Father's Day evolved from events in which men payed the ultimate price for their families. The first celebration was said to be started from a memorial service held for a large group of men who died in a mining accident in West Virginia in 1907.

In 1909, Sonora Smart Dodd heard a church sermon about Mother’s Day, which had recently become a recognized holiday, and she wondered why there was no Father’s Day. Dodd began a campaign to celebrate Father's Day in the United States. She was inspired by her dad, who raised 6 kids after the civil war as a single father. 

The first local Father's Day was celebrated on June 19, 1910, in Spokane, Washington at a local YMCA. Sonora Smart Dodd became known as the Mother of Father's Day. 

Today, many children are being raised without a father or fatherhood figure. It is ironic that in 1966, when the bill was passed, children grew up in homes that had a father. Today, 33 million children are being raised without a fatherhood figure. Over the past 50 years, there has been a steep decline in fatherhood. Hopefully over the next 50 years, we can return to a day when children have fathers play a positive role in their lives again. 

"Actually....That's Me" - Paternity Fraud

Lecturing on Fatherhood is an emotional process for the audience. The facts of a fatherless nation often get challenged by members in the audience that want to believe they are false. The statistics are staggering. It is easier to say a dad is a bum than to acknowledge the system is stacked against fathers from the start. Some truths are very difficult for people to acknowledge and this is why we need to get the facts out about the fatherhood problem in our country.

Each presentation has the answers in the audience. When challenged, someone usually raises their hand and says, "that's me!" It can bring a room to silence depending on the subject. Recently, a topic that struck a nerve with the audience was Paternity Fraud. This happens when a mom knowingly puts another father on the birth certificate instead of the biological father. It can have severe consequences for children as they become adults.

Studies have shown that Paternity Fraud can range anywhere between 1 -30 percent. You might be surprised that the United States has a serious problem with Paternity Fraud. The Huffington Post recently reported that 30% of dads that pay child support are not the actual father. Birthing is entirely documented through the mother in the United States. Determining paternity is strictly through the courts. Fraud on a birth certificate is difficult to prove and the consequences often are assigned to the children that learn as adults they were lied to by their mother.

I was challenged at my last lecture by a mom that my research was hogwash. No matter what I provided for facts, she thought I was full of SH#$. And then a hand raised in the front row. A young lady said, 'Actually he is right, that person is me." She went on to tell a chilling story about growing up knowing "something" was wrong. She knew her dad was not her dad. She would learn utilizing social media that her assumptions were correct. At the age of 23, she met her biological father.

Paternity Fraud is a form of child abuse. Developmentally, a child is damaged by the deceit and it has long-term consequences. Our country has not responded to the seriousness of the crime. It will take advocacy and legislation to change the current status of paternity fraud. Until then, children will always be vulnerable.

Is It Time To Rethink "A Mother's Love?"

This might be one of those articles that can be divisive. Take a deep breathe if you are a mom, and think about this from an entirely different viewpoint if you struggle with the title or concept.

I scanned Facebook this weekend and read the Mother's Day posts from single parent families without a father figure or some women that are very controlling with their children. They posted the most interesting quotes that begin to fit into a pattern. That pastern is, "their love is the only love that is unconditional." The quotes tend to imply, "my love is better than anyone else's including dad."

Taking that deep breathe yet? It might seem like a concept that is way over the top, however we live in a world whereas words matter. For example, we as a society struggle with the phrase, "Marriage Equality" v. "Marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman." Another example is, "Black Lives Matter" v. "All Lives Matter." How we say things is equally important as how it is being heard.

How does a child hear the pronoun "my" which is in many quotes about unconditional love. "My unconditional love is like no other." If I was a child, would I hear it as mom loves me more than dad? Another common quote has to do with birth as in, hey I gave birth to you therefore I love you unconditionally. How do children without a mom it their life feel when they hear such a statement or read it on Facebook? Is the purpose of such a statement to imply, "Hey I gave birth to you, that outweighs any contribution by dad."

For children, they see both parents as equal partners in parenting. They truly do not think one replaces the other especially when it comes to being loved. A mother's love is important, special and truly an amazing gift for any child. The point is that it should not be weighted as something no one else can replace or provide for a child. Hopefully one day, we can move towards a parent's love. Neutral yet conveying the same point. Love is universal, especially in the eyes of a child.

Set The Example - Celebrate Mother's Day

Your most important role as a parent is role model. As a parent, you have to provide the positive example for your child regarding positive interactions with their mother. Childhood development is impacted by moral and social development based on positive-parent child interactions. Children that come from toxic environments have a higher probability of social emotional struggles throughout their life time. And the reverse is true, children that come from positive parenting usually have positive social outcomes. Which one do you want for your child?

As commonly stated, the marriage is over but the relationship with your child lasts a lifetime. Dads have to lead by example. This Mother's Day, be the positive example for your child by demonstrating the importance of mom in their life. Especially if you do not get along with the mother of your child.

Children will see your positive parenting as an alternative to power struggles that exist. This is so important for them to understand regarding future relationships in their own life. Not everything as to be a power struggle. You are the guide to future relationships.

Things to avoid? Don't worry what mom gets you for Father's Day. Just focus on the positive. Comparisons only make a child feel caught in the middle.

Need a starting point? Start with the birth of your child. How lucky they are to have 2 parents that love them. Keep it simple. Your comments will also help improve your relationship with the other parent. Even if it does not, when your children are adults, they will remember your examples of positive parenting.


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"You Will Need Permission To Pick Up Your Son"

I recently went to pickup my boys at their school. They are in 6th grade and "it" happened. I went to the attendance office and I hear, "oh no, it seems like you do not have permission to pick up your child. The green arrow is missing, that's odd." And we go through the process of calling mom to ensure I can pick up my children. This has happened to me on previous occasions. I was denied my children as early as age 3. This is commonly known as Contact Denial.

What many may find interesting is I am and Early Childhood Director and UPK director. I have advanced degrees in Education and am a Certified School Administrator. Can you imagine what happens to dads that are regular Joes? How many times have they been denied their child or vetted to prove they are their real father?

In my opinion, one of the most painful experiences of single parenting for a dad is being asked, 'are you the father?" Even worse, a school or human service agency denying you your children until they get a hold of their mother. It is demeaning and discouraging. It is also against the law. Moms and Dads have to provide any public agency legal documentation regarding custody whenever there is a divorce or separate homes. It usually falls on the father to provide such documentation.

What makes this experience more painful is the parental alienation that can happen by allowing one gender to be the gatekeeper by uninformed agencies and school settings. By not following the law, resentful moms can list the boyfriend or new stepdad on paperwork that asks for parent/guardian information. They can deny access to the biological father the first time he pick's up his child. This can be a very painful experience and one he will never forget.

Throughout history, exclusion has hurt many men and women around the world. Minorities understand exclusion. People who have gone through religious persecution understand exclusion. What makes dads unique is that they can be representatives of many groups that have been excluded from mainstream culture. There are many factors that can increase the chances of going through this experience.

What can a dad do? Stay calm and insist on changes for any organization that disenfranchise a fatherhood figure. You can speak to the Executive Director, Superintendent, or an advocate for fatherhood rights. Try to educate the community as a whole to fatherhood rights. Hopefully we can help society make away from asking, "Are you the dad?"

Call Me.....

Incarcerated fathers, fathers restricted from a relationship due to distance or systemic barriers and court restricted fathers have many obstacles that stop them from beginning the process of connecting with their children.
The problem is the system is setup to alienate the parent-child bond. There is hope. We have each other to overcome those obstacles. When we meet a dad that is not involved with their children we have to encourage them to reengage the process with their children.
For some, it starts with a phone call. Carefully planned with estranged relationships, dads can successfully start the process of reengaging with their children, even children they have not seen for years.  I have personally witnessed men turn to jelly when they pick up the phone and talk to their children for the first time.

The first time is the hardest. While hardened on the outside, the inside is scared to take that first step. This is why we as dads need to help each other reach that next step. We have to be there to encourage a father by saying, "Pick up the phone, you won't regret it." That one phone call leads to more phone calls and finally visitation. There is a child without their dad wanting that reconnection. We have to work together with fathers and encourage them to take that first step. Pick up that phone. You won't regret it.

Seven Things To Reflect Upon This Thanksgiving

Every year, single dads can find the holidays to be stressful. This time of year is tough, especially when splitting your time for the holidays. Tough on you, and tough on the kids. Yet, within the darkness of frustrations, you can find many reasons to be thankful. Here are seven this year to share at the dinner table.


1. Great To Be Dad - Every year, I tell me children how thankful I am to be a dad. It is the most important part of my life.


2. Traditions - I break out the traditions over the holidays. This is the best time of the year to establish them as part of your parental routine. Cooking, decorating, Game Night, Old movies, Pictures, and Story telling. You can also start new traditions. This is the time of year to embrace what is uniquely identifiable for your family.


3. Emotional Vulnerability - Every year I make a toast, and every year I cry. That's right, this big 6'4 guy shows his vulnerability. My kids are watching. In order for them to understand the importance of emotional intelligence, I demonstrate it through my actions. (Unintentionally of course) I enjoy sharing how I feel this time of year, as I want my children to understand it is okay to be vulnerable.


4. Expanding Upon Values - Children learn best around the special dinners and events around the Holidays. This is a great time to share with your children about the world we live in. Conversations open up pathways of learning for your kids. This time of year helps to shape empathy and compassion. Invite those that are lonely this year to the table, and your kids will learn that we have a responsibility greater than ourselves to the world.

5. Laughter - Trains, Plains and Automobiles. My yearly Thanksgiving tradition. Why? Because we laugh.....and laugh....and laugh. Laughter is a part of my life that I want my kids to remember. When I was going through a very painful divorce, my kids never felt the impact, due to my emphasis that my personal pain is just that. We had much less back then, yet we had so much more in some ways. Laughter is free, and plentiful if you allow it into your life. We continue to use the holidays as a time to be mischievous and fun. Break out a game like pie in the face, and everyone laughs. It's a big part of being a dad. You are the big goof in their life.

6.Christmas Music In November - Absolutely. Do not join the naysayers that claim Christmas comes to early. For your children, Christmas starts the day after the last Christmas. Embrace their excitement. I start listening to Sirius XM's holiday channel Nov 1st. My kids love it. You should too.

7. All Eyes Are On You - Your children see you as the example. You model what is, and can be for your kids. Try to remember, even when anxious about the holidays, that your kids are watching your reactions to this time of the year. Be the change, and have the greatest holiday celebrations you can. Your kids will remember this for the rest of their life.

I Forgot To Give My Ex My Kid's Belongings.....What Do I Do Next?

Fatherhood is never easy. The burden of hard work should never be an excuse for not fulfilling an obligation for your children. Even if your ex seems like they are always being difficult, you have to take the high road. It will cost you financially and emotionally. It may even cause your relationship with a new partner anxiety, or ultimately end the relationship. Many times people will ask, what should I do when it comes to bringing things back to my child. The answer is simple, bring it.

I recent gave the following advice to a dad regarding a medically needed device that he forgot to give his ex on his last visit with his child. He lives an hour away from his daughter, and was begrudging a forgotten inhaler. He took some steps to avoid bringing back the inhaler, including involving the police to check on his daughter. Here is how I responded:

That's a slippery slope. I live some distance from my ex, and constantly forget things. I always drive them back. I am the adult, and when you take a step back, the adult forgot to pack them. Not bringing the inhaler back puts you at risk for medical neglect. Sounds harsh, but it does. To a neutral party or judge, you simply did not want to bring back a prescribed inhaler due to inconvenience. Calling the police is never a good idea before you know the facts. That call could have gone differently. They had every right to notifiy CPS that you are refusing to provide a medically needed device for your child. Here are some other thoughts. Your kids are watching. They remember down the road all the extra trips. But they also remember when they came second. You have to go. That's the bottom line. One last thing, calling the police can bite you in the butt also. You should have called your ex and worked it out. Calling the police can traumatize the child if it results in a home visit. Again, a catch 22. If I were a family court judge, I would be upset that you involved the police instead of drive the inhaler back. People will give you all sorts of advice and sarcasm. But the best advice is bring back the inhaler because it's your responsibility to pack things correctly and return them. Especially anything medical.

Nothing is more frustrating than forgetting to pack everything during transition times. I have looked for cooperation on meeting half way when it comes to bringing things back to my children. As frustrating as this can feel, in the end, I take the items. I don't care if my relatives, friends, and in some cases a person I am seeing see it as a sign of weakness. It is none of their concern. The bottom line is that I have to bring back what I as an adult forgot to pack. Your kids are counting on me to do what is right. Even if their are times my ex forgets something, I try to be the bigger person and pick it up. This is not the time to compare and contrast. (At least out loud)  Have I reacted in frustration at times? Of course, but in the end, the kids come first.

Should WIC be PIC?

(If You Were A Father - Would You Feel Dads
Are Important To This Agency?)
Exclusion can happen in all shapes and forms. We as a society have challenged names of groups and organizations due to the changing climate of cultural competency. For example, when I was a child, names reflective of challenges to race or diversity were challenged. We had a Sambos restaurant in our town, and due to the history of the name, the restaurant changed their name due to pressures from civil rights groups.

Maybe it is time for Fathers to consider the benefit of this practice when it comes to social service providers. Social service providers and many parenting programs are advocates for moms first, then dads. Expectations are important. Would a service provider prioritize race or gender? Of course not. The law is clear. However, parenting programs are allowed to have different expectations. For examples, WIC. Women Infant and Children lacks diversity. If I were a father, I would ask, hmmmm, where is dad? It should be PIC. Parents Infant and Children. The current incarnation assigns nutritional health only to one parent based on our past that the dad was a financial provider, and not a home provider. Times have changed, and dads are just as involved in nutritional health as moms.

Here is the official definition of WIC: The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk. The program definition should be extended to fathers. Fathers have been given custody of children under 5, and by definition may not see WIC as a resource. Feeling welcomed by a service is so critical to a service being valuable to the consumers they serve.

What are your thoughts on programs designated to one parent that serve both parents and children? Should the Federal Government change the definitions to represent an inclusive environment for fathers? For this dad who wrote this article, it is time to change the name to PIC, allowing for a cultural change that benefits fathers.

One last reason to change the name. Most partnerships working with parent infant development use WIC as a referral source. Fathers are excluded from parenting partnerships due to the bias of the program's name and functionality. Systemically, this is why dads are not part of the process of parenting, because expectations of their involvement are so low. If you choose a service that has low fatherhood involvement, by proxy you are excluding dads. It is time to change the culture of programs that are resources to families, because dads matter.

The Problem With Most 50/50 Websites

I checked into blogs and websites that advocate or argue against co-parenting and many have the common denominator that it all boils down to money. Check out this website as an example:


https://www.equitablemediation.com/5050-custody-pros-and-cons


While well intentioned, it still sees one parent as the paycheck. To be fair, other websites do the same. Parenting is about attachment and bonding, not money. For a child to be deprived of a loving relationship with either parent is problematic.


Another pattern is the idea that a child's adaptation to 2 homes should be an issue. There is a subtle meaning to this discussion. This is code for mom gets to be the primary residence and dad get's to be the visitor. Why are so many adults telling us that the absence of a father is detrimental, yet many 50/50 websites provide support for primary residences? The fact is that children are resilient, and the parents are the ones experiencing the emotional trauma and transferring it to their children.


Be careful with websites that pretend to advocate 50/50 rights. The best practice for a child is for them to have equal parenting in their life when both parents work towards an equal parenting partnership. Dads are not visitors in a child's life, they are a parent in a child's life.

The Strive For 50/50

Can you imagine a world that 50/50 rights existed for Fathers? We not only need to imagine a world that factors equal parenting rights, we have to demand it. The generation of fatherless homes needs to come to an end.

How can we become better advocates for 50/50 parenting rights? First and foremost, be the example. Spread the news home much your love being a dad. Next, reach out to pubic advocacy groups. Join or create a fatherhood group. Think like a civil rights leader, not just a dad.

Petition the courts and your legislators for equality in parenting. Challenge conventional wisdom. Explain to your friends that being a dad is more than income redistribution. Get in the game. Petition the White House to have a forum on Fatherhood Rights.

50/50 rights can be a reality, if we demonstrate the need for parent rights. It is time to up our game, and get in the fight for equality. Our children, and future generations of children are counting on us to do the right thing.

Yes.....Dads Feel The Pain Just Like Mom When A Child Is Absent

So much has been discussed about maternal instinct regarding the separation of a child from their mother. However, dads feel the same separation anxiety.  Many websites including mamapedia and netmums have published articles discussing separation anxiety from a child and their father.

Culturally, our society focuses on the loss for the mom. Very little acknowledgement is given to a dad regarding the loss of a child due to divorce. Even with a joint physical custody agreement. The days away from a child can impact both parents.

More importantly, according to a Pew research study, dads identify with their roles as fathers. The study of men and women find that parenting satisfaction is equally important. Both genders identify parenting as the most enjoyable aspect of their life. Thus, when a child is not around, the pain of missing them is profound. The next time you see someone have empathy for the mother because the dad has the kids, try to remember that the pain and suffering is difficult for both parents.

The Irony Of Father's Day

Father's day has an ironic twist for advocates of fatherhood rights to ponder. Similar to parenting rights, the holiday took a long time to embrace. It was 1914 when President Wilson signed Mother's Day as a national holiday. The idea that Fathers should have a similar day took a long time tfor our society to embrace. It would take 58 years until Father's Day became a national holiday. It was not signed into law until 1972.

What a great talking point. Advocates of fatherhood should share this fact as Father's Day approaches. We need to remind everyone that parental rights and social change go hand in hand. Similar to the Women's rights movement and the suffragettes that worked so hard to earn the right to vote, we as advocates of Fatherhood have a similar struggle. We have to convince our society to reexamine 50/50 rights, the right to a father to have FMLA,  and judicial precedent to punish anyone that sabotages any one's right to parent their child as national issues that impact fatherhood.

The goal is to have Father's Day be a symbol of the importance of a father in as child's life. With 1 in 3 children growing up in a fatherless home, the holiday provides nothing but confusion and frustrations for dads and children. One day, hopefully Father's Day will be the national celebration it was intended to be. Until then, it is a cause to fight for, and a day to celebrate for dads involved in a child's life.

Should I Get A Dog?

Whether a single dad or married, getting a dog is a huge question that most dads will have to deal with at some point. The answer has many layers. First and foremost, a dog is like adding a child to your family. You have to ask yourself, are you ready for another child?

Dogs, unlike cats and most pets rely on you for basic tasks. Toileting will allow you 8-12 hours outside of the home. You give up your time, as dogs are very dependent on humans for basic needs. Food is the same as toileting. Exercise is also dependent on human interaction.

Once you agree to the commitment, the answer is yes! Dogs are a great addition to the family. For children who are travelling between homes, a dog provides comfort and joy for a child.

Dogs have a great benefit for dads. They force you to exercise. Dogs like to go for walks and reduces the chances of a sedentary lifestyle. The same is true for your children.

There are many benefits for adults to have a dog. Dogs provide emotional support. You will never get a greeting from humans as consistently that get from a dog. Believe it or not, they also provide companionship. You might even catch yourself talking to the dog as much as you do to humans. They also reinforce loyalty and trust as important attributes in relationships.

For children, they learn responsibility. Dog grooming, feeding, and walks are part of a dog's daily routine. Relationship building is also a key task when you are raising a puppy. Your dog will provide children comfort and joy during difficult times. The dog becomes a part of conversations and everyday routines.

Why Dads Should Not Worry About Titles

Our society feels that titles are important. For most dads, titles are important. You can have all sorts of titles. They can be vocational, professional, religious, or credentialed. However for dads that are raising a child, only one title matters. "Dad."

Prioritizing this title can be very difficult. Your ego might get in the way. Sometimes money is also an issue. No matter what the reason, dads need to put their children first.

The reality is that the title of "Dad" can delay a promotion. Educational goals while important will also take a back seat to your children.

Dads can have goals and with careful planning achieve them. You have to work with your child's mom when it comes to goal planning. While it may be difficult to achieve, ultimately working together allows both parties to complete their goals. This requires careful thought and negotiations that can take some time.

Divorce complicates the quest for new titles. When a divorce happens during early childhood, there is a greater need for children to have their parents. As a child grows and becomes more independent, you can implement a plan for yourself. Until then, you are a 24/7 dad. Your child will remember from their earliest stages of development he level of commitment you had for them.

The bottom line, you have one title that matters. "Dad." All others are inferior and will have to wait.

Myths in Parenting - You Cannot Spoil A Baby

Dads. Bad advice about parenting can be dangerous, especially when you want to positively impact your child's development. One of the worst pieces of advice someone can give a new dad or mom is that you are "spoiling:" the baby. This is a concept that is not only wrong, but extremely dangerous.

Spoiling is a theory based on convenience for the parent to rest and not be stressed. A perception that rarely helps a parent sleep or feel less stressed. The first year of birth is a year of change, and you will lose sleep with our without this strategy. The most common theme for the "spoiling" theory is picking up an infant during times of duress. For example, picking up your child when crying is a common time for this kind of advice. People will tell you that picking up a crying infant is spoiling them. Somehow, later on in life there is a price to pay for doing this.

Seriously, let's look at this logically. Do you remember your mom or dad picking you up when you were 6 months old? Of course not. The ability for us to feel "spoiled" or comprehend such a concept is just not plausible as an infant.

Learning is another reason to avoid this theory. What can an infant learn if isolated from their parents for long periods of time. Infant brain development relies on parent child interaction. Think about how you learn as an adult through social interactions. The same is true for developing infants. They learn language, expressions, and independence through your caring attention to their needs.

It is important for new to dads to realize that the "spoiling" theory is doing the opposite that their proponents suggest. Picking up your baby improves their ability to attach and bond. This is what will impact their lives the most when they become adults. Trust is built, because an infant is reaching out to you and communicating through crying. Not responding is causing more stress, not less for an infant.

The same is true for other spoiling theories.... Allowing a baby to fall asleep in your arms versus letting them cry it out is a common one. Again, attachment and bonding. Your child wants you for comfort, and safety. Trust is impacted by your responses over time.

Spoiling a baby is outdated. Take the time to provide warmth, and love to a child. The research is conclusive. Here is some evidence from Psychology Today to help better understand the opportunities that happen when you pick up a child:


1. Talk to them.  The richer the language environment an infant experiences, the larger their vocabulary, the higher their intelligence, and the easier time they will have in school.  Preschoolers growing up in poverty hear fewer than half as many words per day and essentially live in a language desert (link is external).  It's one of the major barriers they experience blocking high achievement.  There's no reason for it.

• Talk to your newborn about anything - their cute toes, the Super Bowl, the stock market, The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is language.  And no, radio or tv just aren't the same.  It's YOU.

• Talk to your toddler about their environment.  Look at the GREEN brocolli, the ROUND YELLOW grapefruit, the SQUARE box.  The BUS, the BLUE JAY, the BROWN DOGGIE.  Tell them you're cooking SIX HOT DOGS.  Listening to others is how kids start kingergarten knowing how to count and knowing their shapes and colors. It's never too early to start.

• Read, read, read.  One of the wonderful things about reading to your child is that you can read them all sorts of words that it will take years for them to be able to read themselves.  Kids will soak up long fun words as easily as single-syllables. 

2. Play ping pong.  Urie Bronfenbrenner, co-founder of Head Start, called the complicated interchange between babies and parents 'ping pong'.  The baby smiles, the mother smiles back.  The baby sticks out his tongue.  So does mom.  Those interchanges are the foundation of language (conversational turn-taking) and establish a pattern of coordinated behavior that provides a strong foundation for good attachment and sensitive caretaking.

• When your baby looks into your eyes, talk.   Babies have very few ways to control their environment.  One of them is through their gaze.  When they look at you, they want you to react.  Talk. Raise your eyebrows.  Stick out your tongue.

• When they look away, stop.  They're excited and need to calm themselves down. Or they saw something else interesting.  Or they got so excited they lost muscle control and need the time to find you again.  DON'T force yourself back in their vision.  Trust them.  They'll look back at you. 

• Peek-a-boo.  This is an extended game of ping pong for babies a bit beyond newborn, and they love it.  They're surprised at the safe predictability.  Give in to the moment. 

• Don't stop for toddlers.  Make a face or a popping noise every time they look at you.  Roll a ball back and forth.  Take turns tickling each other.  Follow their lead.  Let THEM control when you stop and when they take a break.   

3. Pick up your baby when they cry.   Study after study shows that no sound is more aversive than a crying baby.  Why does every fiber in your being want that baby to be quiet?  Because evolution has designed us to pick up crying babies.  And designed them to cry when they need us.

• The faster you pick up an infant, the more independent toddlers they become.  In the height of behaviorism, when many child developmentalists believed all aspects of infant behavior was determined by reward and punishment, Eleanor Maccoby did a great study.  She measured how long it took for mothers to respond to infant cries and followed these mother-child dyads for several years.

• The faster moms picked up infants, the less babies cried.
• Babies who were picked up fast grew up to be the most independent and curious toddlers.
• Competent babies know how to get people to fulfill their needs - they cry and then they smile when someone comes.
• Competent toddlers know how to explore the world - they use their loved ones as a safe base from which to explore.