Is It Time To Rethink "A Mother's Love?"

This might be one of those articles that can be divisive. Take a deep breathe if you are a mom, and think about this from an entirely different viewpoint if you struggle with the title or concept.

I scanned Facebook this weekend and read the Mother's Day posts from single parent families without a father figure or some women that are very controlling with their children. They posted the most interesting quotes that begin to fit into a pattern. That pastern is, "their love is the only love that is unconditional." The quotes tend to imply, "my love is better than anyone else's including dad."

Taking that deep breathe yet? It might seem like a concept that is way over the top, however we live in a world whereas words matter. For example, we as a society struggle with the phrase, "Marriage Equality" v. "Marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman." Another example is, "Black Lives Matter" v. "All Lives Matter." How we say things is equally important as how it is being heard.

How does a child hear the pronoun "my" which is in many quotes about unconditional love. "My unconditional love is like no other." If I was a child, would I hear it as mom loves me more than dad? Another common quote has to do with birth as in, hey I gave birth to you therefore I love you unconditionally. How do children without a mom it their life feel when they hear such a statement or read it on Facebook? Is the purpose of such a statement to imply, "Hey I gave birth to you, that outweighs any contribution by dad."

For children, they see both parents as equal partners in parenting. They truly do not think one replaces the other especially when it comes to being loved. A mother's love is important, special and truly an amazing gift for any child. The point is that it should not be weighted as something no one else can replace or provide for a child. Hopefully one day, we can move towards a parent's love. Neutral yet conveying the same point. Love is universal, especially in the eyes of a child.

Set The Example - Celebrate Mother's Day

Your most important role as a parent is role model. As a parent, you have to provide the positive example for your child regarding positive interactions with their mother. Childhood development is impacted by moral and social development based on positive-parent child interactions. Children that come from toxic environments have a higher probability of social emotional struggles throughout their life time. And the reverse is true, children that come from positive parenting usually have positive social outcomes. Which one do you want for your child?

As commonly stated, the marriage is over but the relationship with your child lasts a lifetime. Dads have to lead by example. This Mother's Day, be the positive example for your child by demonstrating the importance of mom in their life. Especially if you do not get along with the mother of your child.

Children will see your positive parenting as an alternative to power struggles that exist. This is so important for them to understand regarding future relationships in their own life. Not everything as to be a power struggle. You are the guide to future relationships.

Things to avoid? Don't worry what mom gets you for Father's Day. Just focus on the positive. Comparisons only make a child feel caught in the middle.

Need a starting point? Start with the birth of your child. How lucky they are to have 2 parents that love them. Keep it simple. Your comments will also help improve your relationship with the other parent. Even if it does not, when your children are adults, they will remember your examples of positive parenting.


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"You Will Need Permission To Pick Up Your Son"

I recently went to pickup my boys at their school. They are in 6th grade and "it" happened. I went to the attendance office and I hear, "oh no, it seems like you do not have permission to pick up your child. The green arrow is missing, that's odd." And we go through the process of calling mom to ensure I can pick up my children. This has happened to me on previous occasions. I was denied my children as early as age 3. This is commonly known as Contact Denial.

What many may find interesting is I am and Early Childhood Director and UPK director. I have advanced degrees in Education and am a Certified School Administrator. Can you imagine what happens to dads that are regular Joes? How many times have they been denied their child or vetted to prove they are their real father?

In my opinion, one of the most painful experiences of single parenting for a dad is being asked, 'are you the father?" Even worse, a school or human service agency denying you your children until they get a hold of their mother. It is demeaning and discouraging. It is also against the law. Moms and Dads have to provide any public agency legal documentation regarding custody whenever there is a divorce or separate homes. It usually falls on the father to provide such documentation.

What makes this experience more painful is the parental alienation that can happen by allowing one gender to be the gatekeeper by uninformed agencies and school settings. By not following the law, resentful moms can list the boyfriend or new stepdad on paperwork that asks for parent/guardian information. They can deny access to the biological father the first time he pick's up his child. This can be a very painful experience and one he will never forget.

Throughout history, exclusion has hurt many men and women around the world. Minorities understand exclusion. People who have gone through religious persecution understand exclusion. What makes dads unique is that they can be representatives of many groups that have been excluded from mainstream culture. There are many factors that can increase the chances of going through this experience.

What can a dad do? Stay calm and insist on changes for any organization that disenfranchise a fatherhood figure. You can speak to the Executive Director, Superintendent, or an advocate for fatherhood rights. Try to educate the community as a whole to fatherhood rights. Hopefully we can help society make away from asking, "Are you the dad?"

Call Me.....

Incarcerated fathers, fathers restricted from a relationship due to distance or systemic barriers and court restricted fathers have many obstacles that stop them from beginning the process of connecting with their children.
The problem is the system is setup to alienate the parent-child bond. There is hope. We have each other to overcome those obstacles. When we meet a dad that is not involved with their children we have to encourage them to reengage the process with their children.
For some, it starts with a phone call. Carefully planned with estranged relationships, dads can successfully start the process of reengaging with their children, even children they have not seen for years.  I have personally witnessed men turn to jelly when they pick up the phone and talk to their children for the first time.

The first time is the hardest. While hardened on the outside, the inside is scared to take that first step. This is why we as dads need to help each other reach that next step. We have to be there to encourage a father by saying, "Pick up the phone, you won't regret it." That one phone call leads to more phone calls and finally visitation. There is a child without their dad wanting that reconnection. We have to work together with fathers and encourage them to take that first step. Pick up that phone. You won't regret it.