"You Will Need Permission To Pick Up Your Son"

I recently went to pickup my boys at their school. They are in 6th grade and "it" happened. I went to the attendance office and I hear, "oh no, it seems like you do not have permission to pick up your child. The green arrow is missing, that's odd." And we go through the process of calling mom to ensure I can pick up my children. This has happened to me on previous occasions. I was denied my children as early as age 3. This is commonly known as Contact Denial.

What many may find interesting is I am and Early Childhood Director and UPK director. I have advanced degrees in Education and am a Certified School Administrator. Can you imagine what happens to dads that are regular Joes? How many times have they been denied their child or vetted to prove they are their real father?

In my opinion, one of the most painful experiences of single parenting for a dad is being asked, 'are you the father?" Even worse, a school or human service agency denying you your children until they get a hold of their mother. It is demeaning and discouraging. It is also against the law. Moms and Dads have to provide any public agency legal documentation regarding custody whenever there is a divorce or separate homes. It usually falls on the father to provide such documentation.

What makes this experience more painful is the parental alienation that can happen by allowing one gender to be the gatekeeper by uninformed agencies and school settings. By not following the law, resentful moms can list the boyfriend or new stepdad on paperwork that asks for parent/guardian information. They can deny access to the biological father the first time he pick's up his child. This can be a very painful experience and one he will never forget.

Throughout history, exclusion has hurt many men and women around the world. Minorities understand exclusion. People who have gone through religious persecution understand exclusion. What makes dads unique is that they can be representatives of many groups that have been excluded from mainstream culture. There are many factors that can increase the chances of going through this experience.

What can a dad do? Stay calm and insist on changes for any organization that disenfranchise a fatherhood figure. You can speak to the Executive Director, Superintendent, or an advocate for fatherhood rights. Try to educate the community as a whole to fatherhood rights. Hopefully we can help society make away from asking, "Are you the dad?"

Call Me.....

Incarcerated fathers, fathers restricted from a relationship due to distance or systemic barriers and court restricted fathers have many obstacles that stop them from beginning the process of connecting with their children.
The problem is the system is setup to alienate the parent-child bond. There is hope. We have each other to overcome those obstacles. When we meet a dad that is not involved with their children we have to encourage them to reengage the process with their children.
For some, it starts with a phone call. Carefully planned with estranged relationships, dads can successfully start the process of reengaging with their children, even children they have not seen for years.  I have personally witnessed men turn to jelly when they pick up the phone and talk to their children for the first time.

The first time is the hardest. While hardened on the outside, the inside is scared to take that first step. This is why we as dads need to help each other reach that next step. We have to be there to encourage a father by saying, "Pick up the phone, you won't regret it." That one phone call leads to more phone calls and finally visitation. There is a child without their dad wanting that reconnection. We have to work together with fathers and encourage them to take that first step. Pick up that phone. You won't regret it.