I Forgot To Give My Ex My Kid's Belongings.....What Do I Do Next?

Fatherhood is never easy. The burden of hard work should never be an excuse for not fulfilling an obligation for your children. Even if your ex seems like they are always being difficult, you have to take the high road. It will cost you financially and emotionally. It may even cause your relationship with a new partner anxiety, or ultimately end the relationship. Many times people will ask, what should I do when it comes to bringing things back to my child. The answer is simple, bring it.

I recent gave the following advice to a dad regarding a medically needed device that he forgot to give his ex on his last visit with his child. He lives an hour away from his daughter, and was begrudging a forgotten inhaler. He took some steps to avoid bringing back the inhaler, including involving the police to check on his daughter. Here is how I responded:

That's a slippery slope. I live some distance from my ex, and constantly forget things. I always drive them back. I am the adult, and when you take a step back, the adult forgot to pack them. Not bringing the inhaler back puts you at risk for medical neglect. Sounds harsh, but it does. To a neutral party or judge, you simply did not want to bring back a prescribed inhaler due to inconvenience. Calling the police is never a good idea before you know the facts. That call could have gone differently. They had every right to notifiy CPS that you are refusing to provide a medically needed device for your child. Here are some other thoughts. Your kids are watching. They remember down the road all the extra trips. But they also remember when they came second. You have to go. That's the bottom line. One last thing, calling the police can bite you in the butt also. You should have called your ex and worked it out. Calling the police can traumatize the child if it results in a home visit. Again, a catch 22. If I were a family court judge, I would be upset that you involved the police instead of drive the inhaler back. People will give you all sorts of advice and sarcasm. But the best advice is bring back the inhaler because it's your responsibility to pack things correctly and return them. Especially anything medical.

Nothing is more frustrating than forgetting to pack everything during transition times. I have looked for cooperation on meeting half way when it comes to bringing things back to my children. As frustrating as this can feel, in the end, I take the items. I don't care if my relatives, friends, and in some cases a person I am seeing see it as a sign of weakness. It is none of their concern. The bottom line is that I have to bring back what I as an adult forgot to pack. Your kids are counting on me to do what is right. Even if their are times my ex forgets something, I try to be the bigger person and pick it up. This is not the time to compare and contrast. (At least out loud)  Have I reacted in frustration at times? Of course, but in the end, the kids come first.

Should WIC be PIC?

(If You Were A Father - Would You Feel Dads
Are Important To This Agency?)
Exclusion can happen in all shapes and forms. We as a society have challenged names of groups and organizations due to the changing climate of cultural competency. For example, when I was a child, names reflective of challenges to race or diversity were challenged. We had a Sambos restaurant in our town, and due to the history of the name, the restaurant changed their name due to pressures from civil rights groups.

Maybe it is time for Fathers to consider the benefit of this practice when it comes to social service providers. Social service providers and many parenting programs are advocates for moms first, then dads. Expectations are important. Would a service provider prioritize race or gender? Of course not. The law is clear. However, parenting programs are allowed to have different expectations. For examples, WIC. Women Infant and Children lacks diversity. If I were a father, I would ask, hmmmm, where is dad? It should be PIC. Parents Infant and Children. The current incarnation assigns nutritional health only to one parent based on our past that the dad was a financial provider, and not a home provider. Times have changed, and dads are just as involved in nutritional health as moms.

Here is the official definition of WIC: The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk. The program definition should be extended to fathers. Fathers have been given custody of children under 5, and by definition may not see WIC as a resource. Feeling welcomed by a service is so critical to a service being valuable to the consumers they serve.

What are your thoughts on programs designated to one parent that serve both parents and children? Should the Federal Government change the definitions to represent an inclusive environment for fathers? For this dad who wrote this article, it is time to change the name to PIC, allowing for a cultural change that benefits fathers.

One last reason to change the name. Most partnerships working with parent infant development use WIC as a referral source. Fathers are excluded from parenting partnerships due to the bias of the program's name and functionality. Systemically, this is why dads are not part of the process of parenting, because expectations of their involvement are so low. If you choose a service that has low fatherhood involvement, by proxy you are excluding dads. It is time to change the culture of programs that are resources to families, because dads matter.

The Problem With Most 50/50 Websites

I checked into blogs and websites that advocate or argue against co-parenting and many have the common denominator that it all boils down to money. Check out this website as an example:


https://www.equitablemediation.com/5050-custody-pros-and-cons


While well intentioned, it still sees one parent as the paycheck. To be fair, other websites do the same. Parenting is about attachment and bonding, not money. For a child to be deprived of a loving relationship with either parent is problematic.


Another pattern is the idea that a child's adaptation to 2 homes should be an issue. There is a subtle meaning to this discussion. This is code for mom gets to be the primary residence and dad get's to be the visitor. Why are so many adults telling us that the absence of a father is detrimental, yet many 50/50 websites provide support for primary residences? The fact is that children are resilient, and the parents are the ones experiencing the emotional trauma and transferring it to their children.


Be careful with websites that pretend to advocate 50/50 rights. The best practice for a child is for them to have equal parenting in their life when both parents work towards an equal parenting partnership. Dads are not visitors in a child's life, they are a parent in a child's life.

The Strive For 50/50

Can you imagine a world that 50/50 rights existed for Fathers? We not only need to imagine a world that factors equal parenting rights, we have to demand it. The generation of fatherless homes needs to come to an end.

How can we become better advocates for 50/50 parenting rights? First and foremost, be the example. Spread the news home much your love being a dad. Next, reach out to pubic advocacy groups. Join or create a fatherhood group. Think like a civil rights leader, not just a dad.

Petition the courts and your legislators for equality in parenting. Challenge conventional wisdom. Explain to your friends that being a dad is more than income redistribution. Get in the game. Petition the White House to have a forum on Fatherhood Rights.

50/50 rights can be a reality, if we demonstrate the need for parent rights. It is time to up our game, and get in the fight for equality. Our children, and future generations of children are counting on us to do the right thing.